Brandon Bray's Contribution to Chaos
Dinner Crew Phone and Email Conversations
- Nadine: I don't want to live in interesting times.
- Connie: It's the Air Force -- tell them to get a parakeet.
- Connie: Action item assigned to Brandon -- find out if there are
any museums in China.
- Connie: I don't want an amusing bathroom.
- Connie: Only someone from Microsoft would think God works in
- Brandon: I'm usually quite diplomatic -- I ask my manager who I
can be mean to.
Connie: That's a good definition of a diplomat. I can't help but
think of Londo.
- TP: What did a U.S. librarian named Melvil give the world in
Brandon: A whale.
- Melissa: Well, no wonder we won WWII. (on the creation of M&Ms
for the G.I.s)
- Connie: I was thinking the pilgrims coming through Ellis Island.
- Connie: I've always wondered about Canada.
- Melissa: Don't quote that -- that is not to be quoted. (on
something to do with her first name)
- Connie: It says something for duct tape. (on its similarity to
- Melissa: A fowl!!! The heck it's a fowl, it's a pigeon.
(regarding the dodo bird)
- TP: What did Walter Lance create after a bird hammered non-stop
on the roof of his honeymoon cottage?
Brandon: The shotgun. (it was actually Woody Woodpecker)
- Connie: I can't even think of any dead Canadians.
- Kate's Mother: American Psycho? (referring to a book sitting
on the counter)
Brandon: Yes, I got then at a bookstore in Texas.
Kate's Mother: I can understand how you would find that in Texas.
- Brandon: The main problem XP has is that is disagrees with
Exchange server on certain things like when tea time is, and exactly why we
need the international date line.
Carson: Oh dear. Not that international date line thing again.
XP needs to be re-nick-named to "Kate".
- Emmanuel: So do you want to microwave Mrs. Richardson?
- Emmanuel: Soon Hubert's Americanization will be complete and he
will be in a ten-gallon hat.
- Emmanuel: Oh Hubert, you'll be fine, and in the case that the
apple pie does kill you -- it'll be for America.
- Emmanuel: I think all this discussion where no one know what
we're talking about started with you... (to Brandon after buying a vacuum
- Emmanuel: I'll do whatever you say. (to Brandon after he
collapsed on the floor because bottom is the mathematical symbol for
- Emmanuel: Eat it or we tax you without representation. (trying
to get Hubert to eat the apple pie)
- Emmanuel: Take two bushels of apples, three spoons of cinnamon,
and a whole lot of liberty.
- Brandon: Yes for containers of ice cream... Four!!!
Hubert: Oh right, that's when I had dinner from Hong Kong. (deeply
disturbing Josh from Dartmouth)
CS312 Course Staff and Students
- Clive: Your typing sounds like water flowing over rocks.
(speaking to Brandon)
- Clive: You have glimmer of intelligence in your eye... you'd have
to dull that. (to Brandon, on impersonating Leonardo DiCaprio)
- Riccardo: Brandon, you are an endless source of wonder! <goes
back to doing google searches on random words in the hope of accumulating
comparable arcane knowledge> (on knowing the origins of Tab)
- Pete: Ouch, those hurt! (referring to Walter's breasts)
- Connie: If you take Walter's glasses, you look like a furry blob.
- Connie: Brandon started at Microsoft as an intern, but was soon
promoted to pope.
- Connie: Hubert ate a fern last night.
- Connie: Pete's left ear seceded from North America.
- Connie: Kate should dye her hair before moving to California.
- Connie: Jeff and Kori joined a commune in Wisconsin.
- Connie: Potato chips are the fifth food group.
- Connie: Every college student has a blood-Snapple level above the
- Connie: You can seduce Kate, and then we can split the divorce
settlement! (Talking to Walter)
- Gilbert: All your P are equal NP.
- Connie: Unlike dinosaurs, you don't have muscles in your hair.
- Connie: I have a pile of chocolate in my apartment.
Kate: We do? (in a very surprised tone)
- Hubert: Jeff, are you drunk?
Jeff: No, but I did have a really big pancake for dinner.
- Gilbert: There's a lot of idioms in the English language, that I
Connie: Like what?
- Brandon: I don't need to sleep on Twinkies because there's no
world shortage of pillows.
- Pete: The walrus is massaging the porpoise with cheese.
- Connie: Kate, most people are stupid!
- Brandon: So, how does bathing in Ketchup help when you've stepped
on a skunk?
- Kori: They sound like a married couple fighting. (about Kate
and Connie arguing over whether Kate lies)
- Kate: Melissa looks more dressed up than usual.
Beth: That's because she bought those clothes herself.
- Joel: The big question is, "Does Source Safe provide employment
- Beth: You can use whatever fish you like, but mahi mahi is
against the rules.
- Beth: No more of that animated hobbit #@!&.
Brandon: Was that in the trailer?
- Walter: Hey, is this my drink? Who's drink is this? (After
picking up a cup while not wearing his glasses)
- Beth: My sandwich tastes like pork lo-mein.
Kate: Speaking of which, I need a new processor.
- Jed: My cow is constantly constipated. (on writing a paper for
- Brandon: Now they put that in milk, so you don't need sunshine
anymore. (on vitamin D being the sunshine vitamin)
- Beth: She must know that those shoes are ugly.
Brandon: What she is really thinking is "I'm so pretty... I must
- Kori: The more I learn about you, the more you're a freak. (on
- Walter: What? Are you afraid I'll look good? (on wearing
one of Beth's dresses)
- Walter: I want to picture a passionate tango with an ostrich.
- Melissa: Do you know how hard it is to put lipstick on an
- Pete: The man is keeping "da man" down.
- Nadine: Can you go away, I'd like to pick my nose.
- Kate: It's better than toilet paper...
Gilbert: "Would you like 7 or 8?" (on those people in restrooms at
- Brandon: No, no, no, you don't need to think of them as people.
- Brandon: I hope they're in federal prison now.
Connie: Either that, or they're in Oakland city government.
- Nadine: I'm sure there's a way to ferment chocolate!
- Hubert: Walter should never be fuzzy.
- Nathan: Kate doesn't want to be in the Sun, because it's hot
- Brandon: You should play risk, it's more fun... you get to
pretend to be Microsoft and take over the world.
- Hubert: I was looking at the deer and saw the 21s and was
thinking how they were going to get in the bars.
- Brandon: Please do not go to the bathroom back there.
- Pete: There's only one way you can get into a bachelor's party.
(In response to Nadine)
Living at 312 College Avenue
- Dan: I haven't been to the class yet... I just got the book
today... I have a prelim in ten hours... all I have to do is read seven
chapters, write up four homeworks, and I'll be set.
CS312 Course Staff and Students
- Clive: They completely fold cuteness over the problem sets.
- Emmanuel: He's cuter than her... and his voice is so sweet... and
his big blue eyes. (comparing Ali to Andrew)
- Clive: You are Matthew of PhD fame.
- Clive: Emmanuel is right... he does have a cute baby face.
- Clive: Shouldn't it be a flickering neon sign to add to the
- Walter: I'll be generous... oh wait, no I won't.
- Jeff: I'm not parsing, I'm parsing.
Brandon: He means the overloaded, Jeff sense of parsing.
Matthew: I think Jeff is the one that is overloaded.
- Jeff: Gasp has type vi, it's an intransitive verb.
- Brandon: Jeff is drunk.
Jeff: I am not... I only had this much.
- Jeff: Is the slinky problem NP-Complete?
- Emmanuel: Math is culturally biased... if I were black...
- Walter: I should not be grading when I'm in a distinctly fowl
- Nadine: Ahh... he said "paradigms" on the feedback. What does he
think we are, a reviewing committee?
- Greg: Fortunately, you only have to debug 3 files instead of (oh
my goodness), 4 whole files with just tens and tens of lines of code.
- Debbie Grier: Because this class is run by the former students of
CS 212, a cult far more powerful than ours, which doesn't exist
Consultants, you know I love you guys (and girl)! But
admit it, you are in a cult. I distinctly remember seeing CS212 graffiti on
the Arts Quad in past years. Former students still read and post to the
newsgroup. I can't imagine ever being that attached to a class. It is
because CS212 is far more than just an old class. It is an institution, to
some people at least. The eval/apply thing is their symbol, plus a lambda,
which I don't really get either.
Just remember kids: if you mess with a CS312
consultant, you are messing with a network of dozens of people who know more
about computers than you, and will probably think it great fun to infiltrate
and destroy your computer.
- Walter: This is a list of all known bugs:
- When the type checker requests a cup of coffee from the evaluator, it
is served "cream, no sugar" instead of "cream and sugar"
- The lambda evaluator's wife is cheating on him. This behavior should
- When the type-checker buys a coke from the Upson vending machine, he
pushes the button for Barq's Root Beer instead (this behavior is
- Evaluating (fn x => x x) (fn x => x x) causes the evaluator to channel
the spirit of Turing instead of Barzilay. This is a low-priority bug.
- The compiler listens to Garth Brooks between the hours of 6 and 9. The
problem set clearly specifies that this occurs only when the moon is full
or it is the third Tuesday of the month.
- Also, the compiler listens to country music. This behavior should be
- When you feed Bean Burritos to the evaluator, it outputs hydrochloric
acid instead of methane.
- The evaluator has a tendency to sing "Daisy, daisy" when you start
modifying its code. It should sing "Yellow Submarine" instead.
- The compiler compiles all questions about what the student is doing to
"What are you doing, Dave?" It should change the name based on the result
of a ph lookup on the netID of the student instead.
- The type-checker reverses the "sucks" attribute when checking fruits
and vegetables. For instance, oranges do not suck but are incorrectly
marked as such, while brussel sprouts, which do suck, are marked as not
- (Related) The compiler makes its California Roll sushi with salmon.
While incorrect, this behavior is considered a Feature by some.
- The evaluator reverses the numbers 42 and 43 when singing "99 bottles
of beer on the wall." This is due to an insufficiently high constant for
CS412 Compilers Group (with occasional visits from Homework Party)
- Kate: Does anyone want something from the pot machine? (At
least that's what she heard Jed say)
- Kate: You should talk to my dad, you would have similarities in
- Nadine: We need some 4.0 people to help us now.
- Jed: Am I a nerd?
- Kate: Maybe you're name's not Jed, but Jod.
- Grant: Brushing your teeth is an enjoyable experience.
- Kate: Congratulations Jed, you own an iceberg.
- Kate: You would have had a hard-time living in Balch freshman
year. (Talking to Jed. Balch is a women's dormitory)
- Grant: You type in AltaVista incorrectly, and you get porn.
(Referring to altavsta)
- Kate: I hate thinking.
- Kate: Bad Brandon. Stop put me back.
- Grant: How much do you think this would cost if we paid someone
to do this.
- Kate: Oww... I think I lost some brain cells.
- Kate: Are you guys afraid of using the phone?
Grant: Yes... oooh, I'm afraid.
- Jed: You're phone lady Kate.
- Kate: I don't think he would go near Java with a ten foot sword.
- Jed: What, you don't like furry Snapple?
- Kate: What is that?
Carson: It's raspberry vinaigrette with cream of mushroom.
- Carson: I wouldn't make a good father.
- Carson: Watch it, or I'll have to throw the nylon stocking I have
in my pocket at you.
- Connie: It's not very gentlemanly of you to use young ladies for
- Peter: You look like you just strangled a smurf.
- Brandon: I'm very hot.
Beth: I wouldn't go that far.
- Beth: The caw slash periodic table is a doubly linked list with
one element removed... then they said it had to have a head and a tail.
- Beth: It's titled Things not to do in a pool signed by
Melissa, me, and Fred the turpentine evangelist. It's fridge art.
- Maverick: I was planning on taking the last semester light and
take only twelve credits... I ended up with twelve classes.
- Beth: So is this the CS equivalent of cow tipping? (Referring
to a rush of people to witness a Linux computer crash)
- Kate: Great, I control Russia. (She's Kate the Great)
- Beth: Hugs are good... good for the body, the mind, and the
soul... and hugs backward are guh.
- Beth: Oh, the times I wish I could hook a printer up to my brain.
- Brandon: There are times when not even a camera is enough to
capture these moments. (Referring to the eccentricity of the group after
three sleepless nights)
- Jed: You're a pole hugger. (Referring to Kate hugging a pole)
- Beth: Oh my god, the smiley face has two tongues.
- Jed: I'm actually eight feet, but I'm shorter than I really am.
- Brandon: It's surprising they even like me especially after I
told them they'd die by looking at the radiator. (Intending to say
- Grant: All my dreams are like I'm naked and I'm walking around
- Jed: I optimized so I only had one head. (Describing a dream
he had while sleeping in the lab)
- Jed: For us, sleep is like the tail bone.
- Jed: Get some sleep.
- Kate: They are not paving the football field.
- Kate: When things fix themselves, it makes you nervous.
- Emmanuel: I'm not an alcoholic... yet.
- Walter: Somebody shoot me now. (Referring to Brandon's
likeness to Leonardo Decaprio)
- Emmanuel: Code like a butterfly, debug like a bee.
- Grant: Hubert, your ball is in the wall.
- Kate: I'm also allergic to the plastic on the keyboard.
- Grant: We haven't found a whole lot of bugs.
Kate: Especially, not since the last major bug.
- Grant: ...because we're real men, and we play video games.
- Kate: I'm thinking.
Beth: Well stop that, this is CS.
- Brandon: You always lass your augh off. (Referring to Beth)
- Kate: I thought you blew him a kiss. (Referring to Jed)
- Grant: Look we can spend the whole evening making weird noises
with our mouth...
- Kate: How do you pronounce eh in New England?
Jed: They pronounce it like b's.
- Emmanuel: People who drink scotch are like APL programmers.
- Jed: That's the problem with getting no sleep... your digestive
thingie goes out of wack.
- Beth: Is this the CS equivalent of cow tipping?
- Grant: Look! Pixels on the screen are not cute.
- Kate: What is it like to think in another language?
- Kate: What is that, it looks like a big string?
Nadine and Brandon: That's what floss is...
- Jed: You know cat tastes perfectly good, but... (trying to
discourage other people from using the extension lab)
- Kate: Jed hairs are surprisingly... smooth!
- Kate: Your hair falls out Grant, it falls out all the time!!!!!!!
- Kate: I've missed so much of that class, that it might just be
worth missing it again.
- Kate: How can you be so cruel to your plastic bottles? (talking
- Brandon: I'm sure whatever it is, I know a lot about it. (on
teaching 410 material)
- Kate: Noses are so useless.
- Brandon: We're not working on the Ioca Translator.
- Kate: If you two kill each other in the dining hall, I will hurt
- Beth: Ahh, he's going to cut my butt off!!!
- Beth: Would you like a hairball? (to Melissa)
- Emmanuel: If you're going to do that, you might as well take a
cheese grater to your arm and and pour alcohol on it.
- Kate: You guys find the funniest things funny.
- Beth: She was off meurffing her boyfriend. (referring to Ada
- Beth: Hand off the butt please... Would you like a Hubert... It's
fresh! (after picking up Hubert)
- Brandon: If you want to exfoliate, don't do it here. (talking to
- Kate: Scratching with a knife would be harmful... that's why I
don't scratch with a knife.
- Kate: Oh, I exfoliated on you, I'm sorry.
- Nadine: Why won't you die?
- Beth: I'm not calibrated for two shirts.
- Beth: Are you awed by my shot taking power? (in reference to
- Grant: You're a real man like that... I'll eat my tofu.
(referring to Hubert)
- Emmanuel: Unfortunately, I have to take compilers because I'm a
- Emmanuel: Looking at Donlon from an aerial view, it looks like
- Grant: What's up with all these very hostile women?
- Hubert: What did you feed him for lunch?
Jed: I fed myself.
- Emmanuel: The quiet ones are always the ones that throw their
kids in the trash. (terribly out of context)
- Kate: I prefer q-tips in my ear, or perhaps my finger.
- Jed: Want to smell my feet? (Out of nowhere)
- Grant: Okay, let me go look at n-queens so I can get some
CS212 Course Staff and Students
- Dexter: That's the thing, it would really screw up their
- Emmanuel: Web mail has too many chromosomes.
- Emmanuel: Brandon, you have to quote what Ralph said last week.
Brandon: What did Ralph say?
- Maverick: We are still on Earth because people are stupid.
- Maverick: Microsoft and Oracle are disabling the information age.
- Maverick: Half of the students in 482 shouldn't be there... they
all think proof by insanity is okay.
- Kate: One you have a son, he's there forever.
- Brandon: I was watching this most delightful show on the British
- Brandon: Watch out for those rogue school buses.
- Beth: I seriously doubt I'll ever see question boy show up in my
reproduction class... and I rejoice in that.
- Beth: Must be that germ feeling... yes! More of our brother's are
- Brandon: It's not exactly a piece of luggage. (trying to pack a
paper cup into it's base)
- Beth: He's very tall, six foot eight, and he has a bean head.
(referring to Tom Clancy)
- Beth: Now if it starts raining, my soup won't get wet.
- Brandon: It's Pandora's wafer.
- Beth: Heaven is not in my soup cup.
- Beth: So in other words, you're taking Buildings for Jocks.
(referring to an architecture class)
- Peter: You don't need acid when you look at this plug-in long
- Connie: If there's a war, I'd like to hear about it before I read
about it in history class.
- Beth: You'd need the Holy Sports Bra of Antioch.
Walter: Where can I get one?
- Emmanuel: You feel like you're going to die, but until you do you
say, "I'm invincible and nothing can kill me."
- Carson: Okay, I either got a call from a guy or an East German
- Jed: How many more compiler weeks from Hell are there?
Sephalie: How many more weeks of school are there?
- Beth: We're off to flee the gizard.
- Beth: You've been sporked.
- Bill Hill: The "Book," when you boil it right down to its
essence, is nothing but sooty marks on shredded trees.
- MSNBC Reporter in Las Vegas: I personally tested some of the slot
machines... they're working just fine. (reporting on the Y2K rollover)
- Kareem: Yes, my name is Kareem and I instant message... (at an IM
- Exchange Dogfood Log: Dino is experiencing mail queues.
- Florian: It's not exactly a niche technology that nobody wants to
learn. (Referring to XML)
Rob: No, it's a really popular technology that nobody wants to learn.
- Will: There were two tasks, one took eight hours, and the other
took potentially infinity.
- Deanna: As a member of HR, I don't think I'm allowed to draw
this. (Referring to vibrate in a game of Pictionary)
- Keith: I love that paradigm of
object-oriented purity. (referring to Visual Basic)
- Keith: Reading Visual Basic is like reading a
novel.. unload me, make that a cheap novel.
- Keith: That is bad programming style... naughty
programmer... naughty programmer.
- Dave: It's pretty damned amazing that it works at all.
- Dave: Now you can create web pages that
are even more cluttered than before.
- Alaska Airlines Flight Attendant: If you'd like to smoke,
Counselor Troi will assist you to the wing while the rest of the passengers
watch the in-flight movie, "Gone with the Wind."
- Peter: You should book him on a flight with
Egypt Airlines. (referring to a recruit that we didn't want visiting
- Steve Sinofsky: Last time I was on a long flight, I started
wondering how much lithium there was on board and if the FAA had anything to
say about it.
- Mike Hayes: Is that a keg? (referring to a keg sitting in the
lobby of the third floor while on the Cornell faculty visit to Microsoft)
- Steve Sinofsky: I was sitting next to someone who was turning a
PowerPoint presentation into a ransom note.
- Recruiting Poster: We are not a hyper-aggressive caffeine-crazed
company that hammers the competition and drives its employees to work crazy
hours for mediocre pizza... The pizza's actually quite good.
- Don: Yes, do you know Mez? (talking to the
- Florian: Even China likes Canada...
- Steve Sinofsky: Only the interns were passionate about Office
Lady, and then it all died down. It was as if I told all the interns not to
- Chris: It's always a good
strategy to give away money
- Chris: We want to try and keep the start menu from
- Unknown: I used to be schizophrenic, but we're okay now.
- Karien: I do have to say one
thing for Corel... their bathrooms are much nicer than Microsoft's.
- Deanna: There's a really nice
trail that you can walk from the East side to Seattle and pass a few lakes,
but someone was abducted on that trail.
- Jonathan Roberts: We don't expect that the average user will
defuse a nuclear bomb using a Windows CE-based palm-size PC.
- Customer Question on Outlook Answer Wizard: Can you please,
please tell me Mr. dog where my mail went? How about you go fetch it back.
- Customer Question on Outlook Answer Wizard: Where does Bill Gates
keep his money?
- Customer Question on Outlook Answer Wizard: How can I make
Outlook give me the lottery numbers
- Customer Question on Outlook Answer Wizard: Hey look, Groucho
Marx has been reincarnated as a paper clip. I wonder what I will be?
- Steve Sinofsky: It said "illegal operation," so people thought
they were going to prison.
- Steve Sinofsky: The Hungarian acronym for the assistant is tfc --
the fricken clown.
- Steve Sinofsky: Scott McNealy is funding Star Office just to make
my life miserable.
Dinner Crew (through the Internet)
- Eli: So, you can say anything you want about such a privately
imagined world... You could even say that your numbers have big mustaches,
they play accordions and drink beer - I won't argue.
- Kate: And if you say QB, I will commit self defenestration.
- Carson: It's flat, huge, and gorgeous. (referring to Apple's
- Kate: I think they are following you Brandon. I think they like
you... (referring to blueberries)
North Campus Service Center
- Christina: Is he getting napkins? (After waking up at the end of
The Devil's Advocate)
- Brandon: He has a fork hanging from his ear. (In reference to
- Dawn: I'll dress up like a megabyte.
- Connie: Brandon, if you get a frying pan in the mail, it's not
- Connie: We have Sardines! Put your shirt back on.
- Wrestler: When will you open the ice machine?
Connie: When you break your arm.
Wrestler: Whose arm do I break?
- Connie: You're all big, strong wrestlers. Why don't you carry
each other upstairs?
- Connie: We love wrestlers (especially on pita with a creamy Dijon
- Brandon: I know flaky lady wears shorts under that shirt... I saw
her outside, and it was windy.
- Nadine: Kevin Bacon, hey, he's famous, what's he doing in an
- Christina: You're never going to believe this, but when my mom
gets cravings, she eats clay pots.
- Ester: If housekeeping keeps taking my shampoo, I'm going to make
them pay $30 for another bottle.
- Brandon: Breath, breath... breath...
- Beth: ...da dada da da.. I am the singing telegram (bang).
- Brandon: How would Martha Stewart solve this induction problem?
- Kate: You'd have to take it with a bowl of salt.
- Brandon: The ghost of Clara Dickson is putting mathematical
symbols outside my room.
- Carson: I'm wearing green today...
- Carson: Brandon is this color now.
- Brandon: I don't iron my socks anymore.
- Kate: I'd give my teeth for that.
- Brandon: Don't listen to the consultants, listen to me.
- Sephalie: If you just got your Ph.D., does that mean you're not
an undergrad anymore?
- Brandon: I have a fundamental problem with killing God.