Brandon Bray's Contribution to Chaos
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When starting in a new position at Microsoft, it is customary for the new person to send out an introduction to the entire product team. After discussing this with my friends from Cornell, Connie actually wrote an introduction for me. I didn't hesitate to include this in my introductory message.

It resulted in responses such as the following:

Here's the introduction as written by Connie:

Attention Microserfs:
You now have in your midst one of the most fascinating human beings that you are likely to meet in your sleep deprived, hypercaffeinated lifetimes. Brandon Bray, friend, patriot, food processor. I can tell you that nobody in the whole world has nearly as much fun as Brandon, even though he doesn't iron his socks anymore. Instead, he destroys church bulletins with his bare hands and laughs maniacally at the college students he fiendishly abuses in the name of academic integrity. But Brandon isn't all fun and games. On weekends, he volunteers his free time as a Leonardo DiCaprio look-alike at inner city recreational centers. And don't worry, he'll always be a faithful employee, putting in long hours at the office, feeding his addiction to the electromagnetic flux radiating from his monitor. Don't try to separate him from his computer, or he may be attacked by vicious wild animals.

You may often find it difficult to figure out what Brandon is thinking. This is normal. It frustrates everyone who meets him. Occasionally, you may see him glaring at you incredulously out of the corner of his eye. This may lead you to fear that he dislikes you. Trust me, if this is indeed the case, he will soon erase all doubt from your mind. If you find yourself in the rare but unfortunate position of being on his bad side, you can always butter him up by offering him a frozen can of mandarin oranges, installing a keyless ignition in his Cherokee, or asking lots of questions about his first and only true love, Konna (you can see her picture here:

Congratulations on your most fortunate selection of a new hire.