Brandon Bray's Contribution to Chaos
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My friends have long "threatened" to write to my mother about all the bad things I do.  I taunted them by giving them her address.  Much to my delight, they followed through and sent her an email as part of my birthday celebrations.  I found the list quite entertaining.

-----Original Message-----
From: Kate Oliver
Sent: Monday, April 23, 2001 5:59 AM
To: Teri Bray
Subject: Brandon's Birthday

Mrs. Bray,

Today Brandon is turning 22. Soon he graduates, taking that large step out into the real world. Before he is out there, on his own without supervision, we felt that there were a few things you should know. You see you might not be aware of this, but your son is really a bad, bad little (ummm, ok, sort of) boy. ;) Maybe, you should sit down. You might need to change future plans after reading this. I suggest a small maximum-security prison in the backyard. :)

1)  He's rarely on time. We currently believe there is a temporal distortion between his ears. "Haven't you noticed time moves differently in here?" -anonymous

2)  Did anyone ever tell you what he does when he is programming or working on his computer? (Keep in mind that this is his chosen profession as you read this list.) First, he is constantly trying to pull his hair out while he is programming. Adding in the fact that he often looks really angry while he is coding, one begins to wonder about evil, maniacal tendencies. Now granted we don't know what he would do to anyone when he is in this angry state, but only because for our own personal safety we have moved VERY far away.

3)  He also sits backwards in his chair while he works on his computer. (Very bad posture, clearly an evil tendency.)

4)  Speaking of maniacal tendencies, have you ever heard him laugh maniacally. He is a bit too good at it if you ask us.

5)  And, did you know he actually plans to take over the world?

6)  He tells stories about two story igloos and dog sledding to school.

7)  He claims he is from Alaska, when he really spent most of the time in California or Ithaca.

8)  Speaking of Alaska, he wears shorts when it is cold and pants when it is warm. What is up with that?

9)  Did you know that he pretends to fall asleep in class, so he can casually slide down in his chair, and trip the professor! It's amazing that Prof. Halpern is alive today!

10)  He always watches tv from the corner of his eyes! Very shifty looking if you ask us!

11)  Did you know he tries to kill or maim people when someone tickles him? And it is NEVER the person who actually tickles him. Instead he lashes out at innocent, young, sweet, naive (I think you get the point.) bystanders. Not to mention he is ticklish on his back! What is up with that! Another shady trait if you ask us!

12)  He grabs the arms of people who are scratching. Granted they aren't supposed to be scratching, but still, he won't let go, and, and, well....its obviously a bad trait.

13)  He is very mean and evil and cruel to his poor 312 students. He takes points off for the silliest things. "*evil glint in eye* Aha, they didn't dot their "i's" perfectly. -20 out of 100! *maniacal laughter* Now onto problem two..."

14)  Have you noticed he PURPOSELY takes questions and statements TOO literally?

-----Original Message-----
From: Teresa Bray
Sent: Monday, April 23, 2001 11:45 AM
To: Kate Oliver
Subject: RE: Brandon's Birthday


I absolutely love the list. These were all questions that I had as Brandon grew up. Yes, he has always watched TV sideways. I took him to doctors several times to try to figure out why, with no reason found. You should ask his sister about the maniacal laughter. I think he practiced them on her growing up. I gave up on buying pants for him. He wears shorts year round - always has. And it is amazing that he get the attention of being an Alaskan, having only spent part of a year here. He and his sister cooked up a good story about the igloo.

But now to see them all put together in a list...Oh my? And also, taking over the world, whatever shall we do? I hope that all of you will do your part in helping to keep the world safe until his dad and I can arrive. The small prison might be a good thing. By the way, he knows that something "maniacal" is afoot, but he does not know what. Have a fun day.

Mrs. Bray