My friends have long "threatened" to write to my mother about all
the bad things I do. I taunted them by giving them her
address. Much to my delight, they followed through and sent her an email
as part of my birthday celebrations. I found the list quite
Today Brandon is turning 22. Soon he graduates, taking that large step out
into the real world. Before he is out there, on his own without supervision,
we felt that there were a few things you should know. You see you might not
be aware of this, but your son is really a bad, bad little (ummm, ok, sort
of) boy. ;) Maybe, you should sit down. You might need to change future
plans after reading this. I suggest a small maximum-security prison in the
1) He's rarely on time. We currently believe there is a temporal
distortion between his ears. "Haven't you noticed time moves
differently in here?" -anonymous
2) Did anyone ever tell you what he does when he is programming or
working on his computer? (Keep in mind that this is his chosen profession as
you read this list.) First, he is constantly trying to pull his hair out
while he is programming. Adding in the fact that he often looks really angry
while he is coding, one begins to wonder about evil, maniacal tendencies.
Now granted we don't know what he would do to anyone when he is in this
angry state, but only because for our own personal safety we have moved VERY
3) He also sits backwards in his chair while he works on his computer.
(Very bad posture, clearly an evil tendency.)
4) Speaking of maniacal tendencies, have you ever heard him laugh
maniacally. He is a bit too good at it if you ask us.
5) And, did you know he actually plans to take over the world?
6) He tells stories about two story igloos and dog sledding to school.
7) He claims he is from Alaska, when he really spent most of the time
in California or Ithaca.
8) Speaking of Alaska, he wears shorts when it is cold and pants when
it is warm. What is up with that?
9) Did you know that he pretends to fall asleep in class, so he can
casually slide down in his chair, and trip the professor! It's amazing that
Prof. Halpern is alive today!
10) He always watches tv from the corner of his eyes! Very shifty
looking if you ask us!
11) Did you know he tries to kill or maim people when someone tickles
him? And it is NEVER the person who actually tickles him. Instead he lashes
out at innocent, young, sweet, naive (I think you get the point.)
bystanders. Not to mention he is ticklish on his back! What is up with that!
Another shady trait if you ask us!
12) He grabs the arms of people who are scratching. Granted they
aren't supposed to be scratching, but still, he won't let go, and, and,
well....its obviously a bad trait.
13) He is very mean and evil and cruel to his poor 312 students. He
takes points off for the silliest things. "*evil glint in eye* Aha,
they didn't dot their "i's" perfectly. -20 out of 100! *maniacal
laughter* Now onto problem two..."
14) Have you noticed he PURPOSELY takes questions and statements TOO
I absolutely love the list. These were all questions that I had as Brandon
grew up. Yes, he has always watched TV sideways. I took him to doctors
several times to try to figure out why, with no reason found. You should ask
his sister about the maniacal laughter. I think he practiced them on her
growing up. I gave up on buying pants for him. He wears shorts year round -
always has. And it is amazing that he get the attention of being an Alaskan,
having only spent part of a year here. He and his sister cooked up a good
story about the igloo.
But now to see them all put together in a list...Oh my? And also, taking
over the world, whatever shall we do? I hope that all of you will do your
part in helping to keep the world safe until his dad and I can arrive. The
small prison might be a good thing. By the way, he knows that something
"maniacal" is afoot, but he does not know what. Have a fun day.