[Enter Narrator in a Vorlon encounter suit]
Narrator: And now, the same award-winning cast that brought you
CS212: The Musical...
[Enter The Phantom of the Opera in a trench coat and a broad-brimmed
hat. While he does not look menacing at all, his shadow is made to look
Phantom: Softly, gently, lambdas will surround me...”
CS Major's Treasure Island
Blatantly plagiarized from The Muppet's Treasure Island, which was blatantly
plagiarized from Robert Louis Stevenson's Treasure Island
[As names are read, players in costume enter and exit stage]
The Phantom of the Opera
The Old Pirate
Hunter Rawlings' Nephew
The Holy Red Pen
The Holy Red Pen
As...Kate, where are you? You're on. [brief pause; exit Narrator]
Narrator offstage: Kate, stop reading User Friendly and get
on...wait, is that Torg? What's he doing on UF? And what's Dilbert up to
[Awkward pause, then Narrator comes running onto stage with Kate in
costume right behind him]
Captain Kate Janeway-Smollett
First Mate Samantha Arrow
Jim (offstage): A pirate? What about Miss Piggy?
Narrator: Sorry, but we are NOT going there. There will be no Miss
Piggy in this movie. Connie--I mean Samantha--I mean Ms. Arrow--would kill
Jim: Then is she Long John Silver? That's about all that's left.
Narrator: No, we have someone extra special to play Long John Silver.
Gonzo (also offstage): Tim Curry?
Random person (offstage): Val Kilmer?
Narrator: No, no. No one like that.
Jim: Then who?
Narrator: Yes, Sephalie. We ran out of people to give parts to.
Jim: What about Beth and Melissa?
Narrator: As bio majors, they have extra-special parts in this CS
Gonzo: Aren't you going to tell us who they will be playing?
Narrator: It's a surprise and you'll figure it out soon enough
anyway. Now be quiet so we can start our story.
Jim: Hey, who's playing the Narrator? And why are you in an encounter
Narrator: Because everyone would recognize me. Now please be quiet so
we can begin. A-hem. Our story begins in a consulting office somewhere in
[Enter Jim, Gonzo, and The Old Pirate, discussing something]
Jim: Wow, really?
Pirate: Yes, it's true. A IIE, with a 5” floppy drive outside of
Gonzo: I heard that there used to be pirates back then.
Pirate: There sure were. People would take computer games and copy
them to floppy disks and then sell them for less than the company price.
People who didn't have much money would buy the illegal copies. These
software pirates would choose a handle and then put “Craked by” and
their handle on all of their disks.
Jim: Were you a pirate?
Pirate: Yes, my handle was the Cookie Monster. I craked Moon Patrol.
It's so funny. Kids these days get rushes from copying illegal MP3's and
displaying them on their Cornell Web pages. Why, that's mere child's play
compared to what we did!
Jim: Actually, most children don't know how to copy MP3's...
Gonzo: Yeah, Ring around the Rosy is child's play, copying MP3's... [Narrator
smacks both of them from behind.] Hey, ow!
Pirate: You boys have always been good to me and the evil pirates are
coming for me tonight. That's okay, because I'm going to die before they get
here. Anyway, we don't have enough characters (or one-liners) to go through
that entire scene, so here's a treasure map. [Hands Jim a piece of
paper, both sides of which are covered by 0's and 1's.]
Jim: A treasure map? What's it for?
Pirate: Somewhere on the Internet is a copy of the code for Apple
Panic. You guys probably never heard of that game; it was before your time.
However, it was an incredibly fun game. If someone could find that code and
do a remake of the game like they did for Frogger, they could make tons of
money and build a huge computer corporation based on the profits from Apple
Panic and eventually buy out Microsoft-
Hunter Rawlings' Nephew, from offstage: Hey! I object to that
Pirate: Anyway, anyone who finds this could be rich--just look at
what they did to Zork. People like Sue Bowlin would buy a new version of
Apple Panic in a heartbeat. Anyway, your mission, should you choose to
accept it, is to find the server containing the Apple Panic code and
download it. Oh, and beware the Girl Who Likes Mashed Potatoes...
Gonzo: Hey, aren't you supposed to die now?
Pirate: I would, but a girl named Beth told me I wasn't allowed to
Gonzo: Oh, okay.
[Exit Jim, Gonzo, and the Old Pirate]
Narrator: We'll resume the story as our heroes, Jim and Gonzo,
approach Hunter Rawlings' house to talk with his rich nephew, Hunter
[Enter Jim, Gonzo, and HRN]
Jim: Um, Hunter Rawlings' Nephew, Sir, can you help us? We have a
treasure map and want to find Apple Panic. We need a computer lab with a
huge staff of web surfers and programmers to find it, but we don't have any
money to hire them with.
Hunter Rawlings' Nephew: See if I can help you, I will. [whispers
something to a pen in his hand, listens a second, nods, and then looks up at
Jim and Gonzo]. Sorry I am. Introduce you I did not. Holy Red Pen, this
is. Truth it leads people to. Come with me [turns and leads them into
Hunter Rawlings' house]
Jim and Gonzo, simultaneously: Um...okay.
[Jim and Gonzo look at each other. Gonzo whistles “cuckoo” and Jim
makes circles around his ear with his finger. They go inside and sit at a
HRN: [listens some more to pen] Join the search, I will. The
Holy Red Pen wishes it. Fund your search, I will, with money allocated for
renovating Mann Library. Not necessary, the renovation is. Anyway, accompany
you in surfing, I will.
Jim and Gonzo, simultaneously: So, in other words, surf's up? [Two
marshmallows fly down from a balcony and hit Jim and Gonzo]
HRN, after listening to pen: Says no more puns for you, the Holy Red
Pen does. When once down the dark path you start, forever will it dominate
*cool fade-out effect*
Narrator: The CS majors have taken over the CSUG lab and a team of
web surfers/programmers has been assembled. The chief programmer and her
assistant have yet to arrive. Meanwhile, a sinister figures sidles up to our
[Enter Jim, Gonzo, Long John Silver, and team of web surfers]
Long John Silver: Hi, my AOL screen name is Long John Silver. The
John, of course, stands for Johnny. I just thought I'd tell you since it led
to such interesting problems during the performance of YMCA last year.
Anyway, I've been hired as chief Nutrient Procurer. Whenever you guys become
nutrient deficient or at least once every 24 hours, I'm supposed to order
out for food. I'll see if I can't get some mashed potatoes and gravy for
tonight. Hey, have you heard what we're looking for? I heard someone say
that it was some sort of game.
Jim: I don't know anything about that.
LJS: I didn't expect that you would. Oh no!
LJS: I forgot to ask for extra tomatoes on the pizzas I ordered...I
think I'll go check and see if they can't change the order. [she wanders
off in the direction of the telephone].
Jim: Hey, Gonzo, she likes mashed potatoes!
Gonzo: Doesn't everyone? I'm sure it doesn't mean anything--
[Enter The Phantom along with cool lighting effects]
Phantom: Softly, Gently...
[A group of the surfers evict the Phantom, who screams something about
revenge, and turn on a stereo, which is playing the Venga Boys. After that
finishes, it plays Take on Me. A scream is heard from the Balcony, followed
by a maniacal laugh.
Hilton: Ha, ha! Perfect timing--we have an Orgo prelim tomorrow! It
will be stuck in your head for a week!
Mariott: Not if I can help it! [Jumps up, brandishes a 3-foot
crossbow and shoots the stereo repeatedly until it quits playing A-Ha.]
Take that, A-Ha!
Hilton: Whoa, Mariott shot the stereo.
Mariott: No one's going to get that joke. It's a reference to a
country music song by Mark Chesnutt called Bubba Shot the Jukebox.
Hilton: I know. I like all kinds of music. I really like Andrew Lloyd
Weber, though. I wish the guy in the black trench coat would come back and
sing some more.
Mariott: Maybe he will. Anyway, we should let the engineers get back
to what they're doing. Everyone's looking at us funny.
Hilton, noticing audience staring at her for first time: We LOVE you!
[Enter the Chief programmer, Captain Kate Janeway-Smollett, and her
assistant, First Mate Samantha Arrow]
Ms. Arrow: STOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPIT!
Cap'n Kate: I AM stopping.
Ms. Arrow: No you're not, you're lying.
Hilton: Oi vey.
Jim (to Ms. Arrow): Hey, you're not a CS major.
Ms. Arrow: I know. Someone has to keep all of you in line.
Web surfers/Programmers: Insert sketchy conversation here.
[Captain Kate turns bright red and pulls Hunter Rawlings' Nephew, Jim,
Gonzo, and Ms. Arrow into a nearby consulting office. A unicorn hangs from
the ceiling but goes unnoticed.]
Cap'n Kate: Who hired this programming crew!?!
[All eyes turn to HRN, who points to the pen in his hand]
Cap'n Kate: The man who lives in the pen hired the crew?
HRN: No, silly that is. Hired the crew, the Pen did.
Cap'n Kate, to Jim and Gonzo: In light of the personages currently
inhabiting the CSUG lab, will you give the treasure map to me?
Jim and Gonzo: No, we won't.
Ms. Arrow: Why not?
Jim and Gonzo: Because we're men, and therefore we're stupid.
Ms. Arrow: Well, I guess I can't argue with that. Let's go ahead and
start them surfing. We'll give each of them a piece of the code on the
treasure map and see if they can reconstruct the entire thing and find Apple
Mariott: Wait a minute, why don't they give everyone the entire code
on the map?
Hilton: But then the evil programmers would have the entire thing and
they would be able to find the game.
Mariott: So why can't Jim and Gonzo and Captain Janeway-Smollett find
it now with the map?
Hilton: Stop asking questions. The author needs a plot device to make
possession of the map important but still find a way to give the programmers
enough information so they can find the server with Apple Panic on it. Stop
Mariott: Okay. Sorry. Sheesh.
Narrator: A-HEM. Anyway, surfing and programming commences in the
[Jim and Gonzo presently take a break to mess with the ICQ code...]
Jim: Hey, Gonzo, look! I found a way to make myself invisible in this
Gonzo: Cool, show me how!
Narrator: While Peter and Gilbert--I mean, Jim and Gonzo--are in the
chat room invisible, the Nutrient Procurer Long John Silver and Carson, an
EVIL (insert devil horns here) software pirate and many of the programmers
in the lab enter the chat room and discuss their nefarious plot to obtain
Apple Panic for themselves and leave the good guys' computers running a code
containing an infinitely recursive loop. Jim and Gonzo send an e-mail to
Captain Kate and carbon copy it to Hunter Rawlings' nephew and Ms. Arrow
telling them what they overheard. The Captain promptly excuses herself and
tries to get out of Upson, but finds that every door is locked and that the
keys do not work in the locks any longer.
Cap'n Kate: As if they ever worked!
Narrator: She quickly returns to the lab and pretends that she does
not know what is happening. She and Ms. Arrow force Jim and Gonzo to give
the map to them, because they are women, and while many women are stupid,
some are not.
[Exeunt; Narrator remains.]
Narrator: Several hours after Kate discovers that they are locked in
Upson, Carson kidnaps Jim and Gonzo.
[Enter Carson, Morgan and other pirates with Jim and Gonzo, tied up.]
Carson: Bwahahaha! I will torture you until you give me the map!
Morgan, take their shoes off-we will tickle them to death!
Jim: No! Anything but that! Gonzo, can you reach your hat?
Gonzo: No, why?
Jim in a loud stage whisper: The Secret Weapon!
Gonzo: What secret weapon?
Jim, exasperated: Turning your hat sideways, stupid!
Gonzo: Oh, yeah. No, I can't reach my hat. Too bad, that would make
them fall down in agony.
Narrator: The EVIL Carson commences tickling Jim and Gonzo, who beg
for mercy but will not reveal the location of the map, since they don't know
where Captain Kate put it.
[Enter First Mate Samantha Arrow]
Jim and Gonzo: Save us, Ms. Arrow!
Narrator: Ms. Arrow acts quickly; she runs over to our heroes and
helps Carson to tickle them. Captain Kate [enter Captain Kate] runs
into the room and helps Carson and Ms. Arrow tickle Jim and Gonzo.
Sephalie--I mean, Long John Silver, comes in, offers everyone some mashed
potatoes, and joins in...
[Enter a green parrot]
Huey: Melissa, Danger Birdy says Enuf!
Long John Silver: Danger Birdy, would you like some mashed potatoes?
Danger Birdy: Oh, yes, thank you very much. Snarf-gulp. Keep up the
good work, everyone.
[Exit Danger Birdy, randomly biting people on the way out.]
Narrator: Where were we? Oh, yes, after Long John Silver joined in
the tickling of Jim and Gonzo, Mariott and Hilton came down from the balcony
and helped Carson tickle our two young heroes. Eventually, even Hunter
Rawlings' Nephew and the Holy Red Pen joined in. During the melee, Carson
and Long John Silver pull Ms. Arrow aside.
Long John Silver: Ms. Arrow, there's a phone call for you.
Ms. Arrow: Okay, I'll take it in the consulting office upstairs.
Narrator: Little did Ms. Arrow know that the voice on the other end
of the phone was a bio major who had never used a computer before but needed
to type a 25-page lamb trial paper replete with graphs and tables by
tomorrow. The evil programmers had paid him to call the consulting office.
They locked the door behind Ms. Arrow, making sure she would not return to
the CSUG lab for quite some time.
Narrator: Soon after the evil programmers had disposed of Ms. Arrow,
one of them discovered the server Apple Panic was rumored to exist on.
Programmer: Server, ho! Here, I'll ICQ you all the server's address.
Wait a minute, this sounds familiar. C-O-R-M, no, wait, N-E-L-L-dot-E-D-U.
Hmm, where have I heard that before?
Sephalie: You idiot, that's the Cornell web server upstairs! Say,
Captain Kate, I have a delivery waiting for us. Why don't I take some of the
programmers up to get the order and check on the server upstairs? You guys
can try to access it from here.
Cap'n Kate: Okay, that sounds like a good idea. Take whomever you
Sephalie: Thanks, Captain. [Chooses some programmers and then
approaches Jim and Gonzo] Jim, Gonzo, do you want to come with us?
Jim: No, thanks, we'll stay here.
Carson: But there's a MONKEY up there with a WEASEL.
Sephalie: Come on, then. [exit Jim, Gonzo, Sephalie, Carson and
some other programmers]
Hunter Rawlings' Nephew, aside to Captain Kate: Taken Jim and Gonzo,
they have. Go after them, we must. But first training you must complete. On
hand you must stand, while balancing a copy of Windows 2000 on your foot.
When crash you do not, ready you are.
Captain Kate: No, finish my training I can not--darn, you even have
me doing it--I can't finish my training. I must go after them now. Come on.
We'll leave the rest of the CS212 core staff here to make sure that the evil
programmers don't take over the CSUG lab.
Narrator: As Captain Kate and Hunter Rawlings' Nephew and the Holy
Red Pen go after the evil programmers, Sephalie attempts to persuade Jim and
Gonzo to join them in the room where the main server is.
Sephalie: We are not just programmers, we are pirates! We take things
like CD's, videos, and computer programs and make illegal copies of them and
then sell them for money. The money we will make from selling Apple Panic
legally will allow us to finance a huge pirating organization. Won't you
Sephalie: Well, I'll have to randomly sing a song to try to convince
you. Come on, boys, this is my only number. Make sure no one upstages me! [Pirates
begin singing "When you're a Pirate"]
[Lights go off, a thud is heard, and someone screams. A spotlight
illuminates a staircase on the stage where the Phantom stands. The Phantom
begins to sing to the Phantom of the Opera Techno Mix.]
Sephalie: Get him, boys!
[The lights go out and the sounds of a scuffle are heard.]
Phantom: You'll pay for this! No one ruins one of my songs and gets
away with it!
[The lights turn back on and the Phantom is gone; one of the evil
programmers hangs from the ceiling, dead.]
Narrator: Meanwhile, Captain Kate and Hunter Rawlings' Nephew had
reached the door to the room where the main server--and the pirates--were.
[Enter Cap'n Kate and HRN, who are quickly apprehended by the pirates]
Sephalie: Kate, give us the treasure map (and STOP scratching) or
we'll defenestrate you!
Kate: Never! If you kill me, you still have the rest of the CS212
core staff to deal with down in the UG lab! Check your e-mail--they will
e-mail you to tell you that they have taken over the lab and have locked the
programmers in the consulting office!
Sephalie, checking e-mail: Oh, yes, I got that e-mail.
Sephalie: I also got an e-mail stating that my pirates got out and
locked the rest of the CS212 core staff in the consulting office--and that's
the last e-mail. It looks like you're out of aces. Prepare to die, earth
Kate: I will never tell you where the treasure map is!
Sephalie [Grabs the Holy Red Pen and dangles it out the window]:
Fine. [to HRN] Tell me where the map is or the pen gets it.
HRN: Nooo! On the table over there, the map is. Defenestrate the pen,
Sephalie, chuckling evilly and tossing the pen out the window:
Defenestrate them. Let's look for the treasure. [HRN runs to the window
screaming and jumps out after the pen; the programmers throw Kate out of the
window and begin to work on the server.]
*Cut to the top story of Upson, where Kate and HRN (clutching the Holy
Red Pen) cling to the ivy entwining the building for dear life*
Kate: Help, help! I don't think I can hold on much longer!
HRN: Hold on many hours, I can, with my grip.
[Suddenly, Mariott and Hilton swing down from the balcony on long ropes
with marshmallow crossbows strapped to their backs]
Hilton: We'll save you! Look, Mariott, here's a net to catch them in.
Hmm, the box says some assembly required.
Mariott: Come on, we can put this together before they fall to their
deaths. Hey, look, a Great-Crested Oriental Moonbird! [Wanders off to
look at the bird.]
Hilton: That's a chicken that's been painted purple with orange
feathers attached to its head--but it's on a farm. I wonder what kind of
silage storage they have? Oh, wait, Mariott, come back here. We have to put
Mariott: Oh, yeah. Let's do it.
[A few minutes elapse as the two bio majors attempt to put together the
Hilton: Darn it, Mariott, we're bio majors, not engineers!
Mariott: Do you want to save them or not? Now shut up and pass me my
[Hilton and Mariott work feverishly to put the net together, which they
manage to accomplish just as Kate and Hunter Rawlings' Nephew lose their
grip and fall. Hilton and Mariott then climb back up to the balcony to watch
the rest of the movie, bragging about their huge engineering feat as they
Kate: Come on, we have to take back the CSUG lab from the evil
programmers. Only then can we storm the Cornell server room, evict the evil
pirates, and find Apple Panic.
HRN: Coming, I am.
Kate: Do you know how annoying that is?
Kate: Don't turn into a Vorlon on me now; Yoda was bad enough. Come
Narrator: After defenestrating Kate and the Holy Red Pen, the evil
programmers searched the Cornell server for Apple Panic. After several
hours, one of the programmers approached Sephalie.
Programmer 1 (Tech 1!): Long John Silver, we've searched the entire
server, and it's not here. Carson found a deleted file a few minutes ago
that might have been it.
LJS: It must be on that computer over there. Go check. [evil
programmers go over to check; Sephalie unties Jim and Gonzo and pushes them
toward the door]: Save yourself, boys, these programmers are about to
turn on me. [Jim and Gonzo leave.]
Programmer 1: It's not here! Somebody has already taken it! [Programmers
turn menacingly toward Long John Silver.] We did all of this for
Carson: That's it! We have to give Long John Silver the black spot of
Programmers: Yes, yes, give her the black spot of engineering!
[Programmer 1 approaches LJS with a piece of paper on which is drawn a
large black exclamation point.]
LJS: The black spot? You dare to give me the black spot? And written
on a page of CS212 notes, no less! You are cursed forever!
Programmer 1: No, sir, don't curse us! Please don't curse us!
LJS: Then will you follow me? We can still obtain Apple Panic! We
just have to find out who took it! It's probably Captain Kate and her band
of do-gooders! They'll have to come up here to update the file...we'll be
ready for them! E-mail our people in the CSUG lab and get them all up here
and tell them to bring stuff to fight with--newspapers, marshmallows, foam
swords, etc. You can kill everyone except Kate--she's mine!
Narrator: On the way to the CSUG lab, Kate and Hunter Rawlings'
Nephew hear a knocking sound coming from a door. They open it and discover a
furious Samantha Arrow.
[Enter Kate, HRN and Ms. Arrow]
Kate: Sam, what are you doing here?
Ms. Arrow: Those evil programmers locked me in here and made me give
tech support to some bio major!
Kate: Wow, what happened?
Ms. Arrow: I got so mad I called up a Chihuahua I know and sent him
over to the bio major's house...I heard him knock and then the telephone
went dead. I started knocking on this door, and you came along and let me
Kate: The programmers have taken over the UG lab...we need to find a
way to take it back. [Enter Jim and Gonzo with CS212 core staff from the
UG lab.] Jim, Gonzo! Are you all right?
Jim: Yes, we're fine. We went to the UG lab and the evil programmers
had all gone up to the main server room, so we let the rest of the core
staff out and started looking for you.
Kate: Great. Come on, we have to get up to the room with the main
[Enter everyone but The Phantom, Mariott and Hilton]
Narrator: The good guys stormed into the main server room and began
to fight with the evil programmers. Because most of what happens next is
visual, I will narrate for you. First, Jim and Gonzo get into a flame war
with several of the programmers on the CS212 newsgroup. Captain Kate
attempts to fight her way over to Long John Silver with a foam sword.
Captain Kate is a wonderful swordsperson and is doing all kinds of flips and
flying kicks and so forth. Ms. Arrow wraps some telephone cords around some
programmer's throats and begins to pull. Hunter Rawlings' Nephew tries to
stand apart, but is engaged by a programmer with a foam sword. He covers his
eyes and fights with the Holy Red Pen, miraculously knocking the evil
programmer out with the serendipitous help of some other members of the
CS212 core staff.
Jim and Gonzo, simultaneously: Hey, it's true! The pen IS mightier
than the sword!
[Everyone including the Narrator takes time out to smack the two of
Narrator: Finally, it comes down to Kate and Long John Silver.
[Kate does two very impressive front flips and begins to display
excellent swordsmanship, cutting off various pieces of Long John Silver's
elaborately tailored outfit. Long John Silver looks terrified.]
Long John Silver: Where did you learn to fight like that?
Kate: LJ taught me.
[Suddenly, the sword flies out of Kate's hand.]
Kate: Gulp. Um, ha-ha; my skin was dry, so I had to put Vaseline on;
my hands are greasy and slippery, ha-ha.
Long John Silver, chuckling evilly and putting her sword to Kate's
throat: Now I have you!
Jim: I'll save you, Kate!
Carson: I'll save you, Long John Silver!
Gonzo: I'll save you, Jim!
Mariott and Hilton, swinging down from the balcony and brandishing
marshmallow crossbows: We'll save you all!
[A visually complicated scene follows, where every good guy and every
bad guy end up with their swords/bows/newspapers at each other's throats and
no one holds any advantage.]
Kate: Oh, great, mutually assured destruction. And no one can save
any of us! What will we do now?
Phantom: Hah! I told you that you would regret messing up my songs,
Long John Silver! The good guys like my singing...
Ms. Arrow (to Hilton): Remind me to thank you when we get out of
Phantom: So now, Long John Silver, you and your pirates surrender to
Kate or I will kill you all with my magic lasso!
Long John Silver: Okay, here you go [hands sword to Kate].
Before you kill me, though, I have a question. Where is Apple Panic?
Kate: You don't have it? I thought you found it when you searched the
Long John Silver: Someone had already taken it.
Phantom, to Hilton: What are they talking about?
Hilton: Some old game that was on the server.
Phantom: Oh, that? I found that years ago. I made it into a
marketable game. I just need someone with money to back me.
HRN: A deal you have, if a full partnership with all of us you mean.
Phantom: Everyone but the pirates.
HRN: Of course.
Kate: What shall we do with the pirates?
Ms. Arrow: How about making them do tech support for our company?
Narrator: And thus our story ends. Captain Kate, Ms. Arrow, Hunter
Rawlings' Nephew, the Phantom, Jim and Gonzo founded a company based on the
money they made from selling a new version of Apple Panic. The company
became incredibly successful and bought out Microsoft and Netscape and even
AOL and Ebay. The evil programmers were forced to take tech support calls
from stupid people for the rest of their lives. Mariott and Hilton decided
to switch majors, and, with scholarships from the Apple Panic company, both
got CS degrees. Mariott became the head programmer for the company and
Hilton designed and maintained the company's web site. And everyone (except
of course the evil pirates) lived happily ever after.
[exit all but Narrator. Narrator looks around and takes off the head of
his encounter suit (which is accompanied by glowing lights). It is the
Artist Formerly Known as Prince. Hilton walks out in a gorgeous dress and
beckons to him. He looks around and walks offstage with her.]