CS Majors in Space

[Enter Narrator in a Vorlon encounter suit]

Narrator: And now, the same award-winning cast who brought you CS212: The Musical and CS Major's Treasure Island are proud to present...

CS Majors IN SPACE!

Starring...

[As names are read, actors/actresses walk across the stage in costume and then stand in the back]

Kate Oliver

Captain Kate Janeway-Smollett

Connie Blair

Commander Connie, First Officer

Connie: Oh, good, I'll be able to keep all of these CS majors in line.

Beth Schaub

Commander Beth, MD

Melissa Bowlin

Lt. Commander Melissa, Science Officer

Beth: Hey, how come you get to be Lt. Commander? And why am I the doctor? Darn it, Melissa, I'm a veterinarian, not a doctor!

Melissa: Well, I couldn't be the doctor. I haven't finished taking Vertebrates yet, so if someone broke an arm, I couldn't identify the bone, and that wouldn't work at all.

Beth: Okay, okay. But I still want to be Lt. Commander so I can be third in command.

Melissa: How about if we share the position?

Beth: Okay.

Connie: Wait a minute, you can't do that! There needs to be a clearly established hierarchical lineage extending from the captain all the way down to at least the fourth or fifth officer in case something happens to the people in command!

Melissa: Oh, yeah, right. Hmm. But if you and Kate both get killed, do you really expect either Beth or me to be able to do anything useful about the situation?

Connie: Good point. Okay, you can both be Lt. Commanders.

Beth & Melissa: Yay! *Cheer*

[Connie just shakes her head]

Narrator: A-hem. Also starring:

Peter Rinehart

Ensign Rinehart, Helmsman

Pete: Hey, how come I can't be an engineer?

Connie: It all comes down to quantum mechanics. But seriously, because there are way, way too many engineers as it is. We need someone who can fly the ship, and since you play a lot of computer games with lots of buttons, you're probably best qualified for the job.

[Protests are heard off-stage]

Pete: Ohhhh. Okay, cool beans.

Gilbert Rivera

Ensign Rivera, Communications Officer

Gilbert: Hey, why am I the communications officer and not an engineer?

Kate: You're in Arts and Crafts—er, Sciences, so you're qualified.

Gilbert: Oh. Right. I knew that.

Brandon Bray

Chief Engineer

Someone from Offstage: Hey, how come he gets to be Chief Engineer?

Connie (shaking head): Because he's been in the Dinner Crew the longest, so he has seniority over all of the rest of you.

Narrator: A-HEM.

Jed Liu

Lieutenant Liu, Master Hacker

Sephalie Patel

Lieutenant Patel, Mechanical engineer

Carson Bloomberg

Lieutenant Bloomberg, Assistant Chief Engineer in charge of Macintoshes

Bob O'Keefe

Lieutenant O'Keefe, Chief of Security

Also Starring

Nadine, Nathan, Grant, Joel, Hubert, Walter and Emmanuel

Engineers

Beth: Hey, wait a minute. If all of the engineers are going to be in Engineering, who's going to help me in sick bay?

Melissa [to Beth]: I have an idea. [to engineers]: Hey, who wants to work on an AI project with Beth?

Carson: Artificial Intelligence? I will! Wow, Beth, I didn't know you worked with AI!

Melissa: Great, you can help Beth in Sick Bay.

Beth: You are SO evil.

Melissa: I know.

Carson: But then who's going to be in charge of the Macs on board?

Brandon: What Macs? The engineers and I already defenespaced them and blew them up with photon torpedoes so we could see what the explosion looked like. It was a lot of fun.

Carson: Hey!

Melissa: Now what am I supposed to use for my research?

Engineers: A PC.

Melissa: No! Anything but that! Please, don't force me to go join the Dark Side!

Carson: Stay good, Melissa, stay good!

Beth: Here, look, it's easy, I'll show you. There are just three keys that you need to know.

Melissa: Control, Alt, and Delete?

Kate: Yes. That way, every time you touch the machine and Windows crashes, you just press these three buttons and you can make it go again, if you're lucky.

Brandon: Windows doesn't crash!

[Half a dozen engineers begin to disagree with him loudly.]

Connie (to engineers): Children, children! Stop this right now!

Carson (to Beth): Artificial WHAT?!?

Narrator [shoving his way through the crowd to the front of the stage]: A-HEM! So, that is our cast, for better or for worse. Now, to our story (glares at the other people onstage). [Exit all but Narrator.] This is the story of the Starship CSUG, whose sole mission is to complete Compiler projects on time. And go roaming around the universe, looking for cool stuff to do and things to blow up. Now, on with our story...

[Dramatic music.]

[In a corridor somewhere in CSUG. Enter Kate and Connie from one direction and Melissa from the other.]

Melissa: Captain, there's an anomalous radioactive reading coming from a planet on the very edge of our sensor range. It looks like a chemical signature we've never seen before and that the Democratic Citizenry has only encountered twice. I recommend that we send someone to check it out, ma'am.

Kate: Good idea, do you have someone in mind?

Melissa: Well, First Officer Connie does have extensive chemical training and is responsible enough to pilot a shuttle without blowing up random things on the way. Plus, this particular chemical happens to be a relatively rare element; only three people in the Democratic Citizenry have ever seen it before. Of them, one is dead, one is missing and presumed dead, and the other is Commander Connie.

Connie: Um, does it worry anyone that I'm the only one remotely qualified to study this chemical and our ship just happened to be passing by here at the exact moment it exhibited a relatively rare radioactive decay?

Melissa & Kate: No, not really.

Connie: Shouldn't someone go with me?

Melissa: Well, I'd send a member of my science team, except for the fact that I am the only member of the science team, and I'm needed here.

Kate: Okay, then it's settled. Connie, you take a shuttle out and take a look at it, will you?

Connie: Oh, all right. And stop scratching.

[exuent]

Narrator: First Officer Connie takes a shuttle out to explore. She lands on the out of the way planet of Morrison, which orbits the Milky Way Galaxy. As soon as she steps off of the shuttle, she is surrounded by people in strange uniforms, who take her communicator and phaser.

[Cut back to the CSUG.]

Meanwhile, on the bridge...

Melissa: Okay, who programmed the replicator to spike the punch?

Kate [walking up to Gilbert]: Purr. That's an order, soldier.

Gilbert: Yes, Ma'am [rubs Kate's back].

[Enter Connie]

Kate: Connie! I'm glad you're back. We have to rendezvous with the starship Sleep out on the far edge of the galaxy; it will be quite a long journey. We need to get going or we'll be late.

Connie: Yes, ma'am. I'll give the orders after I enter my data into the computer [walks over to her chair on the bridge and begins tapping things into the comm panel.]

Melissa: What did you find on Morrison, sir?

Connie: Oh, nothing, it was a false alarm. A couple of elements' abundance and radioactivity spiked such that the instruments gave you a false reading.

Melissa: Oh, okay. Sorry to make you go all the way out there.

Connie: No problem.

Gilbert: Hey, Melissa, there are two messages for you from Sick Bay; both Beth and Carson want to talk to you.

Melissa: Okay, put them through to my station.

[Enter Brandon, Hubert, Walter, Jed, Joel and Emmanuel, discussing a staff review they've just completed]

Pete: Hey, Captain Kate, there are some asteroids out here that are in our way. Nothing's on them. Can I blow them up? Please? Please?

Kate: Oh, very well. You may blow them up. Here, let me help; I'll man the rocket launcher, you take the phasers.

Gilbert: Connie, Ma'am, could you come over here and take a look at this? I'm getting odd readings from something on the bridge.

Connie: Sure. Oh, Kate, didn't you want to make a log entry this afternoon?

Kate: Oh, that's right. Carry on, Mr. Rinehart. Computer, begin log entry. I am the Captain of the Starship CSUG-

Grant: [from engineering, through communications system]: Captain Kate, this is Grant. Please de-bug this huge array.

Pete: Bromobenzene crystals, hit by CSUG missiles, yes!

Beth [to Melissa]: I'm a doctor, not an actor-

Carson [to Melissa]: Not a milkmaid-

Connie [to Gilbert]: What does that mean?

Hubert [to Brandon]: And I'm sorry, he failed Brandon.

Pete: Photon torpedo-o-o-

Connie: Lieutenant Rivera, open hailing frequencies.

Gilbert: Yes Commander, opening hailing frequencies, ma'am.

Melissa [to Carson]: So boldly go where no one's gone before.

Walter [to other engineers, about performance review]: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Connie: Cut it out, Mr. Chang. Mr. Rinehart, go to warp.

Pete: Warp 3, ma'am?

Kate: No, that will be way too slow.

Pete: Warp 4, ma'am?

Kate: That still is way too slow.

Pete: Warp 5, ma'am?

Kate: It still is too darn slow.

Pete: Warp 6, ma'am?

Kate: It's too darn slow.

Pete: Warp 7, sir?

Kate: It's too darn slow-

Entire bridge crew except Melissa, who is still talking to Beth and Carson: It's too darn slow!

Carson [to Melissa]: No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Connie: Mr. Rinehart, Mr. Rinehart-

Pete: I am firing torpedo-

Joel [about something regarding the review]: That will not work and would be illogical to me.

Hubert: What?

Joel: To me-

Jed: What?

Joel: To me.

Connie: Okay, whose lame idea was this, anyway?

Melissa [to Beth and Carson]: Okay? Have we worked this out now?

Beth: Yes, I guess.

Melissa: And what about you?

Carson: Yeah, okay.

Pete: Is this speed adequate, Captain?

Kate: Yes, we should be there by morning if we fly all night.

Gilbert [to Connie]: Oh, it's working just fine now, I don't know what was wrong with it earlier.

Brandon: Captain Kate, here's the performance review for all of the Ensigns in Engineering, sir.

Kate: Thank you, Brandon. And could you take this array down to Grant? I've finished debugging it.

Brandon: Yes, ma'am [takes it and leaves with the other engineers].

Narrator: Meanwhile, on the Planet Morrison, a sinister scene awaits us.

[The lights go on in a dark room; Connie is there, obviously being held captive, without her communicator, phaser, pocketknife or duct tape, so a McGyver escape is clearly out of the question. A sinister figure in a trench coat opens the door and walks in; Connie, startled, turns to face him.]

As Yet Unidentified Sinister Figure (AYUSF): Well, well, well. I knew we'd meet again.

Connie: You! I thought you were dead!

AYUSF: The reports of my assimilation by God have been drastically overrated.

Connie: You just had to use that one, didn't you?

AYUSF [grinning evilly]: Only the best puns for you, my dear.

Connie: That wasn't really a pun.

AYUSF: Close enough. So, I see your training has paid off. Second-in-command of the CSUG. Not bad for a chemical engineer.

Connie: I see you've put your training to bad use. Manufacturing that chemical just to get me to come all the way out here. And I suppose it was you who built all of these robots?

AYUSF: Why else would they be dressed in authentic medieval garb and carrying crossbows?

Connie [shaking head]: I never thought you would stoop this low, LJ. What happened to you?

LJ: I couldn't find a job after I left Cornell, so I had to do something. When I couldn't pay back my student loans, I faked my own death so no one could find me. I came out here to continue my research. In the meantime, I discovered how to build incredibly life-like robots. Now, I'm almost done—I just need one more thing.

Connie: I hate suspense. Hurry up and tell me why you're holding me captive.

LJ: I'm getting there, I'm getting there. So, the one thing I need is an element found only at the very center of the galaxy. If I can get my hands on it, I can manufacture a chemical that controls the sleep-producing substances in humanoids' brains. I can then use it to take over the entire Democratic Citizenry. The rest of the galaxy will quickly bow to my will! [begins to laugh like Jabba the Hutt]

Connie: Eww, don't do that! You'll make me gag.

LJ: Oh, sorry. So, anyway, I need a ship to get to the center of the galaxy. I figured that since I knew you once upon a time and since your ship was so easy to take over, I'd use yours.

Connie: Our ship? Easy to take over?!? What are you talking about?

LJ: Oh, come on. A new alien race/being/whatever takes over the ship every episode, you think I'm too stupid to do it?

Connie: Ooh, good point. So, why did you kidnap me?

LJ: I know everyone else's weakness. With the help of the robot I have built that looks and acts exactly like you, I can easily take over the ship. Watch and learn from a master... [turns on a large TV screen, on which can be seen the events occuring on the CSUG]

LJ: First, I take out the mechanical engineer so no one can fix the problems I cause...

[Enter Robotic Connie, who walks up behind Sephalie and taps her on the shoulder.]

Robotic Connie: Sephalie, the mess hall had extra mashed potatoes left over from last night. I know you've been working all day and skipped dinner last night because the replicator wasn't working, so I had them sent to your quarters. It's about lunch time; you should go eat them.

Sephalie: Gee, thanks, Connie! I'll go right after I finish working on this replicator.

Robotic Connie: Oh, don't worry about that, I'll have someone else work on it.

Sephalie: Okay, wow, thanks!

Robotic Connie: Don't mention it.

[exit Sephalie]

LJ: Little does Sephalie realize that there are sleeping pills in the mashed potatoes—she'll be out like a light for quite some time. And she won't be the only one. I had Robotic Connie manufacture and release an airborne substance that prevents anyone on the CSUG from waking up until I give them the antidote—caffeine. My robot has programmed the replicators so they won't make anything with caffeine in it. Sooner or later, the entire crew will be asleep, save for those who have had a LOT of practice staying awake after long hours and/or those who are not already sleep-deprived. Then I'll just walk onto the bridge and take over the ship.

Narrator: Soon, in a staff meeting held in Main Engineering...

Kate: You're telling me my ENTIRE CREW is incapacitated?

Brandon: No, not the entire crew. Just most of it. The entire command staff is still awake; we're all used to going long hours without caffeine and/or got plenty of sleep last night, thank goodness.

Beth: I can't wake any of them up. There's a chemical in the air supply that makes it so that anyone who falls asleep can't be woken up until they have some caffeine. And the replicators won't program anything with caffeine in it; someone must have tampered with them.

Kate: And Sephalie has just disappeared?

Robotic Connie: Yes, no one can find her; she's not in her room, and the computer refuses to track her comm badge.

Kate: Well, we'll find her later; our main priority now is to keep everyone on the command staff sane and awake for as long as possible. Beth, I take it that you're trying to synthesize caffeine since we can't fix the replicators?

Beth: Melissa, Carson, Connie and I are working on it, but once we get something we'll have to run it through several years of animal testing and then get it approved by the FDA before we can start experimenting on human subjects and then we're going to need consent forms and—

Kate: Okay, okay, just keep working on it. Brandon, you and the other engineers see if you can find a way to lock all of the workstations on the ship so nobody can get in and access the systems if something happens to us. Carson, the other engineers will need your help, so you're off Sick Bay duty.

Carson: [breathes a sigh of relief]: Thank goodness, I was going to have to learn organic chemistry...

Brandon: Yes, Ma'am. Let's get to work, people [engineers get busy, Kate and Connie lean over them]

Melissa [to Beth]: I'll go work at my station on the bridge and I'll let you know if I find anything.

Beth: Why not work down in Sick Bay with me?

Melissa: Um, you remember how Brandon defenespaced all of the Macs?

Beth: Yes.

Melissa: He missed one. And I need to work on it because I'll be completely useless if I have to work on anything else.

Beth: Ah. I see. Well, then, get on ICQ and give me regular updates.

Melissa: You bet. Oh, and can you send me the Phantom of the Opera Techno Mix?

Beth: Sure.

Melissa: Thanks [Exits].

[Beth starts to leave, but Connie grabs her arm.]

Robotic Connie: Beth, we're going to need to have an MSDS on caffeine if we're going to synthesize it. Can you look on the Internet and find one?

Beth: No problem, ma'am; I know half-a-dozen sites that have MSDS's. Aldrich.com rules! [Exits]

Robotic Connie: Kate, shouldn't you be on the bridge?

Kate: Yeah, you're right. I'm going. Carry on, everyone. Are you coming, Connie?

Robotic Connie: In a minute, sir.

Kate: Okay [exits].

LJ: Little does Beth know that Robotic Connie has deleted every mention of MSDS or caffeine or any derivatives of either of them from the main computer's memory; she will never find what she is looking for, but she'll fall asleep before she stops looking...

Connie: Fiend!

LJ: What?

Connie: It just sounded like something someone in my position in a cheesy movie would say.

LJ: Oh, okay. Well, in any case, my robot will soon have the rest of the engineers incapacitated. First, she'll strike down their leader...

Robotic Connie: Brandon, may I see your computer? I need to see something.

Brandon: Sure.

[Robotic Connie pops in a Zip disk and installs several things while Brandon is not paying attention.]

Robotic Connie: There, thank you. You can have your computer back now.

Brandon: Oh, you're welcome. Hey, what's this? Minesweeper? Ooh, and Solitaire. And half a dozen other games! Wow! I don't care that the ship will probably be taken over if I don't finish locking down all of these workstations; I'm going to play computer games!

[The other engineers gather around him]

Emmanuel: Red jack on black queen...

Brandon: Got it, thanks.

Hubert: Hey, let's play Unreal! But don't tell the guys on the bridge; Connie will see them and they'll get in trouble. Who's playing?

[All engineers except Brandon raise their hands]

Hubert: Great, let's do a death match with 100 frags. I'll set up the tournament. Hey, Bob, are you playing?

Bob: So, um, I really shouldn't; I've got work to do.

Walter: We could play Quake instead.

Bob: So, I'm in!

Emmanuel: Great, let's go!

Nadine: Wait, I want to play Unreal. Let's have two games going.

Hubert: Okay. Anyone want to try to play both at once?

Walter: I'm in.

Narrator: Several hours later, most of the workstations remain unlocked and all of the engineers are fast asleep except for Jed and Brandon. Jed has just finished brushing his teeth in one of the crawlspaces; he emerges looking very sleepy.

Jed: Brandon, I'm going to go to table now, eh?

Brandon: Sure. I don't need any sleep. I have to check the news and play another game of Hearts.

Jed: Okay, goodnight.

Brandon: Did you close the door to Engineering?

Jed: Naw, I left it open. It's not like anyone's going to get in and mess with anything while I'm asleep.

Narrator: Meanwhile, on the bridge, LJ continues his nefarious plan to take over the CSUG...

Melissa: Beth, stop looking for the MSDS's and help me out here!

Beth: No, no, I'll find them soon! I swear! Besides, since caffeine isn't an illegal drug, Professor Clardy didn't cover its synthesis in lecture, and I haven't studied for the final yet, so I have no idea how to synthesize it. I'm sure that *yawn* you'll be able to *yawn*... [Beth sends Melissa an ICQ that looks like: o_o...-_-...o_o...-_-...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.]

Melissa: Beth! Beth! Are you okay? Dendrobatidae! Beth has fallen asleep, ma'am.

Kate: She's not the only one. I just came back from engineering; all of the engineers are asleep—even Brandon—and apparently they didn't get anything done. I don't have time to lock all of the workstations, either, so I just left everything unlocked. Hopefully you and I can synthesize the caffeine before we fall asleep. Oh, and has anyone seen Connie?

[Melissa, Pete and Gilbert shake their heads no]

Kate: Man, what are we going to do? Everyone's asleep but us!

Melissa: I'll keep working, you guys just keep the ship moving through space. I aced my orgo prelims; I should be able to do this.

LJ: And then there were three...

Gilbert: Captain, there's a message coming across a secure channel from Connie. Apparently, it's for me.

Kate: Oh, good, Connie is okay. But why would she send a message just to you?

Gilbert: I don't know, ma'am. Should I take it in the conference room?

Kate: Sure.

Narrator: Gilbert goes into the conference room, where Robotic Connie has programmed the room's projectors to play Kenshin episodes Gilbert hasn't seen in surroundsound. Gilbert sits down and stares intently at the screen, eventually nodding off. Meanwhile, on the bridge...

LJ: And then there were two... This nefarious deed is my personal favorite.

Pete: Captain, I've taken over Gilbert's station and an alien race has contacted us. They say that in order to make them happy so they won't blow us up, we have to make a pun on every phrase they give us until they decide we're worthy of talking normally with them!

Kate: Oh, man, we don't have time for this! Well, we should greet them as ambassadors of the Democratic Citizenry anyway. Since you're so good at puns, why don't you try?

Melissa: Captain Kate, can you come help me?

Kate: Sure. Carry on, Mr. Rinehart.

Aliens: Greetings, Earthling. Take us to your leader.

Pete: But no one on board fishes!

Aliens: Do not mock us, Earthling, or we will unleash a horde of vampires on you!

Pete: Hey, hey, don't be so pasty!

Aliens: We are not amused.

Pete: Hi, Not Amused. I'm Peter.

Aliens: Seriously. We are not amused.

Pete: Oh, of course, you're NOT Amused. That's right, you're aliens who want to blow us up.

Kate: Augh! I can't take much more of this!

Melissa [hands Kate earplugs]: Here. These should help.

Kate: Thanks. I was about to go insane there. Now, what's the matter here?

Narrator: After several hours of punning with the aliens, Pete falls asleep. His absence is not noticed by Kate or Melissa until Kate wants a backrub.

Kate: Purr!

Melissa: Sorry, Captain, I'm busy.

Kate: I was speaking to Mr. Rinehart. Mr. Rinehart? Oh, no, he's asleep!

Melissa: Dendrobatidae! Wait a minute, why did the aliens stop asking questions?

Kate [goes over and examines Pete's console]: This says there never were any aliens—the signal originated from within the ship.

Melissa: Within the ship? Who could have done that? Wait a minute. Check the security logs for the shuttle Connie took. See how many lifeforms flew back to the ship after her trip to Morrsion.

Kate: Here they are. Hey, it says there were no life-forms on board when she flew back—but that's not possible! She came back and has been with us this entire time!

Melissa: It must be a robot that looks just like Connie—I bet she's the one causing all of this trouble. She's the one who told Beth to look for the MSDS's. She hasn't done a thing to help me synthesize caffeine. And didn't she stay down in engineering after you left? If she did something to Brandon, the rest of them would have goofed off until they fell asleep.

Kate [Looks at Gilbert's console]: Yeap, and this confirms it. The signals that incapacitated Gilbert and Pete both originated from her quarters.

Melissa: What are we going to do? We're the only two on the entire ship who aren't asleep! Eventually, we'll succumb too! We've both been awake way, way too long, and I'm not used to it and you stayed up late last night! We're doomed!

Kate: No, no, we can handle it. We just need to take a break, and everything will sort itself out—

[Melissa's computer beeps]

Melissa: Oh my gosh, I did it! I figured out how to synthesize caffeine! We're saved!

Kate: Yay! *poing* Okay, you go down to sickbay and synthesize it. I'll stay here in case Robotic Connie decides to try to take over the bridge. She won't be able to do anything as long as I'm here and awake.

Melissa: Okay, good luck staying awake.

Kate: Thanks, but I've hit my second wind; I'll be just fine. Now go—and watch your back!

Melissa: Yes, ma'am. [Exit Melissa]

Narrator: Melissa hurries down to sickbay, where she moves the sleeping form of Beth away from the computer terminal and starts to punch in chemical equations. She begins to yawn, and strives to enter the data faster. However, after a few moments the screen goes blank, except for one image: a plethiodontid salamander.

Melissa: Nooooo! Not a salamander! Anything but that! [She begins to freak out.]

Narrator: While she is distracted, Robotic Connie slips up behind her and gives her an injection of oleamide, which quickly puts her to sleep.

LJ [chuckling evilly]: And then there was kitten...

Connie: Leave my kitten alone! You'll never get away with this!

LJ: But I already have...

Narrator: Meanwhile, on the bridge, Captain Kate is walking back and forth, trying to keep herself awake. She has armed herself with a rocket launcher.

[enter Robotic Connie]

Kate [aiming the rocket launcher at Robotic Connie]: Are you Connie, or are you a robot impersonating her?

Connie: A robot.

Kate: Then I'll have to destroy you!

Connie: Go ahead. I'm not the only evil robot on this ship, and you're the last person awake. As soon as you fall asleep, we'll take over the ship.

Kate: Oh, oh yeah? Well, take this!

Narrator: Kate fires the rocket launcher at Robotic Connie, who is blown into a million pieces. Unfortunately, poor Kitten—er, Kate—forgets to compensate for the rocket launcher's kick. She is thrown backward across the room and hits her head on the helm. The blow knocks her unconscious.

LJ: And then there were none.

Connie: Why, are you going to shoot yourself?

LJ: No, why?

Connie: Never mind.

Narrator: The other robots that Robotic Connie smuggled on board quickly take over the ship and bring it back to Morrison, where LJ and his renegade robots unloaded the crew, still sleeping, onto the planet, except for the senior staff. He figures that just in case something goes wrong on the ship or in case they meet another Democratic Citizenry ship, he will have someone to fix it or someone to hold hostage, respectively. LJ and his robots board the CSUG along with the real Connie and begin to fly toward the center of the galaxy. We join our heroes and heroines in the brig, where all but Connie are asleep. Connie is bent over the replicator.

Connie: Finally! Computer, Jolt, please.

[A whine is heard and a light is seen as a bottle of Jolt appears in the replicator. Connie takes the bottle and gives a little liquid to each of the crew members, who gradually wake up.]

Kate: Connie, is that really you?

Connie: Yes.

Jed: How do we know that it's really her?

Connie: Here [scratches Kate's back].

Kate: Ooooh, purr. Yeap, definitely Connie.

Connie: Now that that's settled, can we take back the ship?

Joel: Wait a minute. Would someone mind explaining what happened first?

Narrator: Kate and Connie explain to the rest of the crew what happened, and everyone recounts their stories.

Kate: Okay, so we need to take over the ship before we get to the center of the galaxy.

Connie: But first we need to concentrate on getting out of the brig. Perhaps we could use something to short out the force field.

Brandon: Too bad we defenespaced those Macs.

Emmanuel, Carson and Melissa: Hey!

Beth: Okay, who here has a laser pointer? We could use it to fry some of the circuits on the force field generator over there.

[Every CS major digs around in their pocket and quickly produces a laser pointer. Beth looks askance at them, grabs one and points it at the generator, which quickly gives up the ghost. The force field goes down and they all step out of the cell.]

Bob: So, is there anything that all bio majors carry around?

[Melissa and Beth produce a Swiss Army knife, a Leatherman, and two Sharpies.]

Bob: Oh. I see.

Kate: Should we set the self-destruct sequence?

Jed: Why would we do that? We're the good guys. We're obviously going to take back the ship. We do it every episode.

Kate: Jed, dear, I think you need more sleep. Setting the self-destruct sequence makes it all the more dramatic when we do finally take back the ship from the bad guys who steal it every episode.

Jed: Oh. Freak.

Kate: Dork.

[Jed and Kate enter a staring/weird faces contest, which Jed quickly wins.]

Connie: Okay, okay, let's set the self-destruct sequence already!

Kate: Computer, this is Captain Katherine Janeway-Smollett. Set self-destruct sequence for 33 minutes on my mark.

Connie: Computer, this is First Officer Constance Blair. I co-authorize the self-destruct sequence.

Kate: Mark.

Computer: Self-destruct sequence enabled. CSUG will self-destruct in 33 minutes and 0 seconds.

Gilbert: Why 33 minutes, ma'am?

Kate: I was getting sick of round numbers.

Gilbert: Ah.

Kate: Okay, everyone, let's get to the weapons replicator.

Narrator: The crew quickly reach the weapons replicator, where they all choose their weapons.

Kate: Computer, rocket launcher.

Connie: Computer, PPG.

Beth: Computer, rocket launcher.

Melissa: Computer, plasma dart crossbow.

Beth: Ooh, nice.

Melissa: I thought so.

Gilbert: Computer, plasma gun.

Pete: Computer, rocket launcher.

Brandon: Computer, phaser rifle.

Sephalie: Wait, what are we doing?

Kate: We're getting weapons so we can blow up the robots LJ made.

Sephalie: Oh, okay. What should I choose? What are you guys getting?

Pete: Why don't you start out with an Enforcer? It would probably be easier for you to handle.

Sephalie: Okay. Computer, Enforcer. Ooh, hey, this is cool.

Walter: Yes! Another one joins us on the dark side!

Pete: Of the duct tape?

[Crew groans.]

Walter: Computer, six-foot semi-automatic bolt-action potato gun.

Beth: Somehow I knew he was going to say that.

Bob: So, computer, how about another rocket launcher?

Narrator: The rest of the crew quickly choose their weapons and assemble in the hallway outside to come up with a plan. Meanwhile, the computer warns them that they only have 25 minutes and 0 seconds left before CSUG self-destructs.

Pete: Okay, Captain, what are we doing?

Kate: We're going to try to take out as many bots as possible, particularly those in or near Engineering and the Bridge. We should probably divide into two teams. Let's see, how can we make this fair?

Connie: Oh, who cares about fairness. Kate, you take Pete, Jed, Walter, Beth, Sephalie, Melissa, Nadine, and Gilbert, and I'll take Bob, Hubert, Joel, Emmanuel, Brandon, Grant, Carson, and Nathan.

Kate: Okay, that sounds fair. You have Bob and Brandon, so you should go to Engineering. I'll go to the bridge. Everyone, open your comm links so we can talk to one another. They might be listening to the channels, so we should pick odd monikers so they won't know who we are.

Beth: Dibs on Fuzzy_Bunny_Girl!

[The crew quickly sorts out their names.]

Kate: Okay, let's go, and remember, people, there's no re-spawning in real life, so be very, very careful and don't shoot the other people on your team!

Melissa: Perhaps the rocket launchers were a BAD idea...

Kate: Come on, let's go! We only have 22 minutes left!

Narrator: The two teams race off in opposite directions, killing bots as they go. They keep in touch via the comm channels—let's listen to the bridge crew.

Kate: Okay, whose codename is Kate_Is_Cute?!?

Beth: Tazmanian, cover me, I think I can take out that bot up ahead!

Gilbert: Cannonfodder, get out of my way! I'm going to blow you up if you're not careful!

Walter: Perhaps you are the one who should be more careful.

Pete: Laminate this!

Kate: Isn't that assimilate?

Pete: Sure, hon, whatever you say, ma'am.

Beth: Marfle! Missed him!

Melissa: Got him!

Beth: Thanks, Raptor.

Melissa: No problem, Fuzzy_Bunny_Girl. Hey, where did Necron99 go?

Kate: He must have gone this way.

Sephalie: How do you know?

Kate: The robot parts strewn across the floor.

Narrator: With Bob and Hubert on their team, the engineering crew quickly take over Main Engineering.

Connie: Main Engineering secured, Kechar.

Kate: Great, Co. Let's turn off the autodestruct sequence now.

Computer: 15 seconds until self-destruct is initiated.

Kate: Computer, this is Captain Kate Janeway-Smollett. Deactivate self-destruct sequence.

Computer: First officer Constance Blair, do you concur?

Connie: Yes, just shut up already!

Computer: Self-destruct sequence deactivated.

Pete: Hey, Bob, how many bots?

Connie: Bob, don't answer that. Necron99, shouldn't you be securing the bridge?

Narrator: We join Kate's team as they stand outside the only entrance to the bridge, ready to storm in and take it back from the bad guys.

Kate: Okay, guys, you know the drill, this happens every episode. We have a random security guard with us, right?

Random Security Guard: Right.

Kate: Then we're all set. Let's go.

Narrator: The crew opens the doors to the bridge and storms in. A bot quickly pegs the random security guard, who falls over the railing and dies dramatically. However, after that, the bots cannot seem to hit anything, even when it's only two feet away and stationary. The bridge crew, on the other hand, manages to find cover and pop in and out, picking off the bots on the bridge one by one. Finally, the only person left is a sinister figure in the captain's chair with their back toward our heroes.

Kate: Okay, LJ, the game is up. Give up so we can escort you back to Earth where you will spend the rest of your life in a prison cell.

Sinister figure (female voice): I'm not LJ. [She gets up and turns around. It is Evil Sis Admin.]

Pete: No kidding!

Evil Sis Admin: You left the door propped open. You shouldn't have done that. Someone EVIL might get in.

Sephalie: Wait, I'm confused. Where's LJ?

Evil Sis Admin: I didn't need him anymore. He has another job now—pushing up daisies, if my bots did their job right.

Kate: But where have you been all this time?

Evil Sis Admin: Oh, here and there. But it doesn't matter. I have you right where I want you. You're CS majors, and I'm a Systems Administrator, so you have to listen to me and do everything I tell you to.

Kate: Quick, everyone, retreat! Get to Main Engineering!

Beth: Wait a minute, I'm not a CS Major, you can't do anything to me! [She starts walking menacingly down to where Evil Sis Admin is standing.]

Evil Sis Admin: [smiles evilly] If you're not a CS Major, then you don't belong in CSUG, and you should be punished... [Evil Sis Admin lifts her hand and points it at Beth, who goes flying across the room, rocket launcher and all. She hits the wall very hard and slides down it, limp.]

Melissa: Beth! [Tries to dart forward, but Kate grabs her arm.]

Kate: You can't help her now, we have to get out of here! Come on! [Forcefully drags Melissa out the door behind the other retreating bridge crew members.]

Evil Sis Admin: Run away, run away! Bwahahahaha!

Narrator: Our heroes and heroines make it to Main Engineering, where Kate tells them about Evil Sis Admin and that Beth might be dead. Wait, I'm confused, I thought she was Beth...

Jed: Bob, can you take care of Evil Sis Admin?

Bob: No, I'd lose my job, and that wouldn't be good.

Kate: Sephalie, can you locate LJ?

Sephalie: According to the computer, he's not anywhere on board. I don't know where he is.

Kate: What are we going to do? Evil Sis Admin can make us do anything when we're in her sight. And she's on the bridge, where we need to be.

Connie: I have an idea. Let me go get some stuff from my quarters.

Kate: Okay, I hope your plan will work.

Connie: Of course it will. We only have 10 minutes left in the show, and this isn't a two-parter, as far as I know, so this last-ditch plan has to work.

[exit Connie]

Pete [To Melissa, who is upset over Beth's possible demise]: Melissa, are you okay?

Melissa: Do I LOOK like I'm okay?!?

Pete: No, you look like you're Melissa...

Melissa [Aiming her plasma-dart crossbow at him]: Do you feel lucky, punk?

Pete: [Raising hands and backing off]: Okay, okay, sorry. Sheesh. I was just trying to cheer you up.

Kate: Hey, maybe firing a rocket at him every time he made a pun would make him stop. Hmm...

[Enter Connie]

Kate: Connie! I'm glad you're back. What do you have?

[Enter Beth]

Everyone: Beth! We thought you were dead!

Beth: I'm not dead yet!

Melissa: But, but we saw you...

Beth: Two can play at the evil robot game; I just took one of the robots I shot and made it look exactly like me and then sent it onto the bridge. I figured that it would get killed and that I would have time to think up an alternate plan.

Walter: How do we know that it's really you?

Melissa: I know how to tell. [Pulls out a deck of cards and starts playing 500 rummy with Beth.]

Melissa: Okay, what do I have in my hand right now?

Beth: You have the other two aces, probably the Queen of Hearts because I need it, and the 5 of clubs because you were just about to go back for the 4, the 6, and the 7. Other than that, I don't know.

Melissa: Okay, I'm convinced. It's Beth.

Connie: Can we please get going now?

Kate: Wait a minute, what's the plan? If Evil Sis Admin sees any of us, we'll be under her spell, or she'll just kill us like she killed Beth's stunt-double.

Connie and Beth (simultaneously): So we make sure that Dora can't see us.

Hubert: How do we do that?

[Connie holds up a pillowcase; Beth holds up her comforter.]

Melissa: I vote for the comforter; it's bigger.

Kate: Okay, good work, people. But now how are we going to get it over her before she sees us? She can see from the computer where we are, so she'll know we're outside of the bridge, even if we take our communicators off; all she has to do is track the humans on board.

Beth: We have forty million CS majors here—program the computer so she can't do that! Sir.

Kate: Ooh, good idea. Okay, let's get going. [Engineers discuss the programming task in CS, which is a language that is completely unintelligible to the non-CS majors in the group.]

Beth: Okay, so how about the rest of us figure out exactly how we're going to get the comforter over Evil Sis Admin. After all, as soon as she hears the door open, she's going to whirl around and look at us and we'll be sunk. [The non-CS majors discuss their plans.]

Narrator: Soon, the CS majors figured out how to fool Evil Sis Admin into thinking they were still in Main Engineering when, in actuality, they were just outside of the only entrance to the bridge, waiting to unfurl their plan. We now join Evil Sys Admin on the bridge. [Evil Sis Admin is sitting in the Captain's chair, monitoring the CS Majors' movement on several nearby panels.]

Evil Sis Admin: We're almost there! They'll never be able to stop me! I'll get the chemical, manufacture the sleep-controlling substance, and take over the entire Democratic Citizenry!

[Suddenly, the door opens. She whirls around, armed with a rocket launcher. A cow stands in the doorway, calmly chewing its cud.]

Evil Sys Admin: What the– A cow? What's going on? [She pauses, confused, and all of a sudden two bald eagles fly in, carrying the comforter, and drop it over her. She screams, and the crew rushes in and apprehends her.]

Jed: Take this! And this! [Punching the comforter.]

Pete: No, take THAT! [Holds up a piece of paper upon which is written THAT.]

Brandon: I thought I defenespaced that a long time ago.

Pete: No, you defenespaced THIS!

Brandon [Grabbing THAT and throwing it out the nearest airlock.]: Well, now I've defenespacedTHAT as well...

Beth: Jed, Jed, calm down. It's okay, she's not going anywhere. Someone stop the ship before we get to the center of the galaxy!

Pete: Got it. Dropping out of warp. We've stopped just in time to avoid being drawn into the huge black hole at the center of the galaxy.

Beth: Yay stopping just in time to avoid being drawn into the huge black hole at the center of the galaxy!

Melissa: Yay stopping just in time to avoid being drawn into the huge black hole at the center of the galaxy!

Joel: Repetition happens.

Jed: Again.

Grant: This giddiness is beginning to make me sick.

Pete: Out of morbid curiosity, where did we get the cow and the eagles?

Beth and Melissa [Looking at each other]: It's a long story.

Connie: What is everyone standing around here for? Bob, take Evil Sis Admin down to the brig and make sure she can't get out. Everyone else, resume your posts!

[Chorus of Yes Ma'ams is heard as the non-bridge crew members file out the door and the bridge crew mans their stations.]

Kate: Nice job, everyone. Let's go pick up the rest of our crew at Morrison. Warp 5, Mr. Rinehart. [Walks over behind Gilbert.]

Pete: Yes, Ma'am, warp 5.

Kate: What is this?!?

Gilbert: Oh, nothing, some sketches.

Kate: Okay, then, put them away for another time. And Purr!

Gilbert: Yes, ma'am. [Puts Fish Wars away and scratches Kate's back.]

Narrator: And so, once again, the CS Majors save the CSUG from bad guys who want to steal it so they can take over the Democratic Citizenry and rule the galaxy. After Kate's back is scratched, they manage to get the rest of the crew back and put Evil Sis Admin in prison on Earth, where she belongs. No one knows where LJ went; once again, he is missing and presumed dead. Eventually, the CSUG finishes its last compilers project and they rendezvous with the starship Sleep. Beth finally finds the MSDS for caffeine. The engineers manage to keep Melissa up all night playing Unreal, and she manages to get them to go birdwatching (on the holodeck, which miraculously survived this episode intact) in the morning. They all live happily ever after until the next episode of... CS Majors—In Space!

[Dramatic music.]

Beth: Wait just one minute! Don't we get to find out who you are?

Narrator: Nope. You have all the clues you need to figure out who I am. It's up to you to decide—am I the lady, or the tiger?